


Harry Potter and the Ineffable Plan

by Petra



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Drabble Sequence, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 03:46:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19220923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petra/pseuds/Petra
Summary: In which two warring powers educate a boy whose fate was long foretold.





	Harry Potter and the Ineffable Plan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [salvamisandwich](https://archiveofourown.org/users/salvamisandwich/gifts).



> Thanks to Jack and AlexSeanchai for beta-reading. All remaining plot choices and puns are mine.

Harry Potter and the Prophesying Stoner:

"It is him. Isn't it?"

"How many wizarding kids in Britain have a Lichtenberg figure miracled onto their face?"

Aziraphale frowned. "I would hope the answer to that is a definite one."

"He makes a funny face in his Defense classes, like he's tapping into the occult more than he should. Like he knows something about me."

"He doesn't make a peep in my office, just makes eyes at the Sorting Hat. Do you think he's touched in the head?"

"On the face, yeah, but in the head? No." Crowley sucked his teeth. "Though sometimes he makes these hissing sounds."

* * *

Harry Potter and the Secreted Kirpan:

"Really, Crowley, you might've picked a less flamboyant identity for your second go. A year of turbans with no discernible Sikhism, and now this?"

"Did you want me to carry a knife? With the firsties and the Weasleys around?" Crowley checked his glamorous glamour and assured himself that the eyes were in place, as was the smile.

"And being so familiar with the lad, my dear, I rather think you'll put him off."

"Only if he has a grain of sense, which I've not seen proof of the last year and a half."

"At least the dog still hasn't shown."

* * *

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Mamma Mia:

"No, of course not. What would I be doing with a hulking great hellhound? It would eat my furniture as soon as look at it, and I don't want to think about what it'd do to the Bentley."

"Well," said Aziraphale, carefully not swearing. "You'll just have to teach him that dogs are evil, won't you."

"If he hasn't worked out that slavering great monsters are bad for him, you'd better fire Hagrid."

"But he tries so very hard."

Crowley frowned. "I'll cover it when I can wedge it into the syllabus, then."

"Very kind, thank you."

"No, it's not."

* * *

Harry Potter and the Gauntlet of Fire:

"I thought you were--" Aziraphale did not say "dead" for a myriad of reasons.

Crowley massaged his aching neck. "It might have been easier being discorporated than stuck in that bloody trunk. How did you manage without me?"

Aziraphale explained the Triwizard Tournament* while Crowley worked life back into his shoulders.

"It sounds like you got tired of playing both sides against the middle and decided to work out a third side just to keep things interesting."

"I got a bit bored without you, that's all."

     *A plan so Byzantine that it verged on the inscrutable, if not the ineffable.

* * *

Harry Potter and the Order of Principalities:

"Do change back, there's a good chap. You set my teeth on edge like that."

Crowley simpered, not an expression he had much use for in his preferred guise, but one that was getting a lot of play this term. "Then I believe I'm doing my job, Headmaster. Hem-hem."

"You look like you're about to go Upstairs and lodge a complaint." Aziraphale shuddered.

"Fear not, I'm staying right here." Crowley folded his hands. "If you're bringing in allies, I'll have to push back rather hard."

"Yes, naturally. Just don't expect me to take it lying down--stop that at once."

* * *

Harry Potter and the Half-Cocked Plan:

"I'm rather tired of this body," Aziraphale said.

"I'd be happy to help you out of it."

"We have two hours before the children arrive. Is this really the time?"

"I don't see why not."

"Because I'd have to work out another part to play in the pageantry of personae." Aziraphale paused to allow Crowley to notice his alliteration. "Wise old mentors don't grow on trees."

"There are a world of options, angel. If you're tired of polishing your half-moon specs, work out someone else who can get an in with the lad."

"Not such a lad anymore, is he?"

* * *

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallos:

"He won't work out they've changed," Crowley said confidently.

"So long as he never goes to Australia, anyway. Poor little Granger." Aziraphale fluffed his hair, which was considerably bushier than usual.

"Yes, poor her, a whole new continent of people to show up. At least you're not doomed to being ginger for a year."

"I don't know, I think it looks rather good on you."

"On Ron, you mean."

"The quintessential you-ness does tend to pervade your vessels."

"Is that your impression of Granger?"

"I thought it was sufficient. Why, were the words too plebeian?"

"No, you'll be just fine."

* * *

Epilogue, What Even is an Epilogue?:

"Have you looked in on Potter lately?"

"No. How is our savior of the Wizarding World?"

"Well, he's had children, and--" Aziraphale winced. "He's named one after me."

"What, 'Hermione'?"

"No."

"Oh. He never did have any taste. I rather think he gets that from you."

"Thanks ever so," Aziraphale said with asperity. "From someone who spent a year as Gilderoy Lockhart, that's rich."

"It worked, didn't it?"

"I suppose it did. He's as well-meaning and ineffectual now as he ever was."

Crowley smiled. "Then you taught him very well indeed."

"I was never his teacher. That was all you."


End file.
